Our slow heroes, they gripped hold the blowhole When from it exploded a mole. He said “Ticket’s please, And try not to sneeze, This tadpole is out of control” The hedgehog was the one with the cash (and the fleas, and the bangers and mash) “Take a note from my spines You tight fisted swines” But the sloth just greased up his moustache. Cried the snail “Are you using my slime?!” Replied sloth “Yes, I have for some time, This beautiful gum That comes from your bum ‘S how I keep wrinkle-free, in my prime.” Said the mole “Look I really don’t care What a sloth puts into his hair. I’m conductor here So I’ll make it quite clear. Either pay or you don’t get a chair.” Screamed the three “You’re a capitalist whore!” But quite slowly (as was noted before). “All property’s theft” Shouted sloth from the left Said the snail “Yes, and up with class war” But hedgehog suddenly recollected How the others, his cash had collected. “It’s alright for you With not a bean or a shoe, But I’m alright jack”. He defected! So the mole baton-charged with hedgehog. Into sloth and to snail they did slog, And they kettled the twos When a vendor of news Wandered past having drunk too much grog. Now they say it was just accident That the vendor’s short life they did dent, But the sloth and the snail They did moan and did wail And occupied whale’s tail with a tent. What they wished to achieve they knew not, They just knew that they must cleanse the rot, But in this bizarreness The whale’s not the harness, And it’s the whale that is sick, not the pilot. So as they continued to sail, To the Guardian did they write, and the Mail Two sides but same coin And both from Satan’s groin, Spouting guff as our whale grew more pale. And now storm clouds began to draw near Mole and hedgehog, from high ground, did they sneer, And the climate did change, And sloth’s hair got the mange, And tent life needed wet-weather gear. But our whale she was was losing weight fast And no longer a naval gymnast She rolled onto her side ‘Nd hedgehog and mole died But sloth and snail, they survived by contrast! They sailed on in the tent that was home, Riding the waves and the foam But they’d nothing to eat ‘Cos the mash and the meat Was all stored in the dead hedgehog’s comb. So the sloth ate the snail in his shell With one swallow a great wave did propel The last mote down his throat And threw sloth out the boat. So the last of crew went to hell. So dear children please remember this tale Of sloth, snail, mole, hedgehog and the whale. ‘Cos the world’s out of luck And we’re totally fukt: With compliments, we pass you our epic fail!