Practice Jokes 1

Just a bunch of joke ideas from an article I read on the BBC website. Some good, some bad, some ugly. Don’t judge yourself for enjoying them.

= are the ones I like the most

A 62-year-old US woman has had to halt her attempt to swim from Cuba to the US. Didn’t she know that the only people able to do that are Cuban?

A 62-year-old US woman has had to halt her attempt to become the first person to swim from Cuba to the US without a shark cage. Because all the others were pussies.

= A 62-year-old US woman has had to halt her attempt to become the first person to swim from Cuba to the US. Well she claims she is from the US.

Diana Nyad was pulled from the water on Tuesday morning, US media reported. She had hoped to reach Florida on Tuesday, ahead of her 63rd birthday on Wednesday. Her failure to do so will mean she is no longer entitled to a pension.

= Overnight Ms Nyad’s team had reported that they had been held up by a squall. The squall stole all their wallets.

Overnight Ms Nyad’s team had reported that they had been held up by a squall. Their excuses are becoming ever more elaborate.

= This was Ms Nyad’s fourth attempt at the crossing. Doesn’t she have anything better to do with her life? Well actually, no.

Ms Nyad was pulled from the water at 07:42 local time (11:42 GMT), according to her team’s blog. They were only blogging because they had no internet access. Otherwise they’d have been looking at porn.

= Her team “are discussing with Diana as to how she wants to proceed”, team member Vanessa Linsley told the Associated Press. Turns out she wants to proceed by boat.

Earlier on Tuesday her team said that she was 55 miles (89km) off the coast of the island of Key West. Which might as well be 55 thousand miles or 55 foot. She’s still a failure. Only winners are allowed to enter the United States.

She had been repeatedly stung by jellyfish during the swim. Because jellyfish are unAmerican. On hearing this, Mitt Romney has changed his entire campaign strategy to focus on the war against jellyfish.

She had been repeatedly stung by jellyfish during the swim. She just swam through a school of them to make it a little more difficult for herself.

She had been repeatedly stung by jellyfish during the swim. This jellyfish REALLY didn’t like her.

She had been repeatedly stung by jellyfish during the swim. She now regrets having told her ex husband of her itinerary

Her tongue and lips had swollen overnight due to exposure to salt water. Given that this was her fourth attempt, you might think she should know better.

= Ms Nyad first tried to complete the crossing in 1978, back when her tits still acted as buoyancy aids

= A second attempt in 2011 had to be called off because of shoulder pain and an asthma attack. I too once used that excuse to get out of swimming.

Later the same year, potentially deadly jellyfish stings ended the third bid at the crossing. Sometimes when God thinks something is a bad ides, he is more subtle than others.

++++
And some jokes from a local Chicago news article:

The city (of Chicago) is beefing up its rat fighting detail, despite it being well known in pest control circles that it is never possible to kill all the politicians.

The city (of Chicago) is beefing up its rat fighting detail. Because in Chicago, rat fighting is big business.

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