Just a bunch of joke ideas from an article I read on the New York Times website. Some good, some bad, some ugly. Don’t judge yourself for enjoying them.
= are the ones I most enjoyed writing
The article is about the bad state of repair of the roof of the Capitol building in Washington.
= The Capitol dome’s roof’s leaking, dear Liza, dear Liza
The Capitol building’s roof is leaking and there is no money to fix it. Because sometimes money just doesn’t make things better. Although in this case…
The Capitol dome is the nation’s grandest symbol of federal authority. But apparently federal taxes are only spent on the overinflated wages of the politicians beneath it.
It has been dinged by years of inclement weather. Politicians dithering and always asking “weather”. Remarkably it is still stable, despite the generation underneath it of large quantities of hot air.
Its exterior is in need of repair, but its interior is just tired of hearing boring politicians.
= Like Jocelyn Wildenstein’s face, the dome has 1,300 known cracks and breaks. Water that has seeped in over the years has caused rusting on the ornamentation and staining on the interior, as it has also done to the Capitol’s dome.
= Water that has seeped in over the years has caused rusting on the ornamentation and staining on the interior of the Rotunda, just feet below the fresco “The Apotheosis of Washington,” which is painted on the Rotunda’s canopy. The damage was recently described as making the Rotunda look like “a meth head’s vagina with a slightly classier tattoo”.
= Like most of what the federal government is on the hook to fix — highways, bridges and airports — the dome is imperiled both by tough economic times and by a politically polarized Congress. By polarised, we mean that both parties are mentally in the planet’s polar regions, where everything is either black or white, they are insulated from the economic climate by clothing donated from those left out in the cold, and where even the most intelligent of them has sadly only the mental capacity of a recently clubbed seal.
The dome has not undergone major renovations for 50 years. Even the KKK became the NRA
= The dome has not undergone major renovations for 50 years, back when the US was losing a pointless foreign war, black people were more likely to be arrested than whites and rape was considered a woman’s fault.
While Senate appropriators have voted to repair the dome, which has not undergone major renovations for 50 years, their House counterparts say there is not money right now. As such, the dome has become a federal phallic symbol of impotence, crusty and diseased from being fucked by a syphilitic political class.
In that way, the dome is a metaphor for the nation’s decaying infrastructure. Although each party blames the other for the continued need for infrastructure in an age that was supposed to herald the personal jetpack.
= The dome’s state is a public safety issue. Although, were it to collapse unexpectedly, fewer people would be killed than the daily gun death toll in this country. However, this is extremely lucky, as gun control is not a public safety issue.
The dome needs comprehensive rehabilitation. If it had been built in LA, where it would already have received a facelift. Strangely though, most of the politicians within it have for many years had their brains injected with botox. The paralysis this causes mean fewer wrinkles in the grey matter rather than the forehead, and whereas on the face botox makes it impossible to show emotion, in the brain it makes it impossible to emote. Don’t complain about your politicians though, you voted for them.
= “This is not a ‘bridge to nowhere’ we’re talking about here,” said Senator Charles E. Schumer of New York. And he was applauded for his observation skills. It was also pointed out that it was similarly not a Bridge over the River Kwai, A Bridge Too Far or even a Jeff Bridges. In fact, the senate reached the conclusion that it was not a bridge at all. After all that thinking they had to have a lie down with a nice cup of hot cocoa.
Senator Charles E. Schumer is the leader of the Senate Rules Committee, a committee that comes up with rules. Because rules don’t appear out of thin air you know.
= Senator Charles E. Schumer also said “This is basic upkeep to the United States Capitol building”. He had hoped that by using the words United and States in front of the building’s name he might raise some patriotic fervour. People have not been slow to point out he’d have had a better response if he’d used the words Corporate and Interests.