Practice Jokes 3

Just a bunch of joke ideas from an article I read on the BBC website. Some good, some bad, some ugly. Don’t judge yourself for enjoying them.

= are the ones I most enjoyed writing

= Sixteen members of an Amish splinter group are accused of terrorizing the Amish of eastern Ohio. Being Amish, the splinter was not formed through mechanical means.

Sixteen members of an Amish splinter group are accused of terrorizing the Amish of eastern Ohio in bizarre beard-cutting attacks. The eastern Ohian Amish were taken completely by surprise as they’d never seen a barber before.

Sixteen members of an Amish splinter group accused of terrorizing the Amish of eastern Ohio in bizarre beard-cutting attacks are scheduled to go on trial Monday. To determine their innocence or guilt, they will all have to walk barefoot on hot coals.

= The group has been charged with multiple counts including conspiracy, hate crimes, kidnapping and destroying evidence. Or talking about cutting beards, cutting beards, taking away their horse and burning the beards.

The leader of the breakaway group is called Samuel Mullet. No, that isn’t a joke.

= Men’s beards and women’s long hair are both central to Amish identity, showing maturity in the way that pubic hair used to before everyone decided they wanted to look prepubescent.

= Tod Akin waded into the debate and then waded straight back out again when he couldn’t decide whether forcibly shearing a beard was legitimate or illegitimate…

= However, he finally concluded that forcibly shearing a beard was indeed a legitimate assault, citing as proof the fact that no man had been made pregnant by the act.

The assaults on the pacifist, plain-living Amish drew national attention, because much of the rest of the country had never come across the concept of “pacifism” before.

Mr. Mullet apparently dominated 18 families, many of them his close relatives, in an isolated settlement near Bergholz, Ohio. Bergholz is Pennsylvania Dutch for incest.

In a court document filed this month, federal authorities said Mr. Mullet had confined followers in chicken coops for days or weeks to “cleanse” them of impure thoughts or other sins, and had also had adult members hit one another with thick wooden paddles in an attempt to recreate a local version of the British private education system.

Witnesses said Mr. Mullet counseled couples, particularly women, “on how to be sexually satisfied”. The techniques included being shut in chicken coops and beaten with wooden paddles.

He sometimes had other men’s wives live in his house and have intimate relations with him. Which wouldn’t have even raised an eyebrow in LA.

= Mr. Mullet had labeled certain people as enemies for questioning his methods or for helping residents of the settlement escape. So impressed has he been with this, Mitt Romney has decided to make Mr Mullet his new running mate.

The defendants have pleaded not guilty, and their court-appointed lawyers have challenged the application of hate crime laws to what they describe as a religious dispute. For some unknown reason, the Catholic church has also come to their defence.

= In one attack, a group of 12 men and women hired a driver to take them to a home nearly two hours away. Or about 8 miles.

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