Practice Jokes 5

Some practice jokes about new rules for vehicle fuel economy in the US. More interesting than it sounds! From the New York Times, 28 August.

The Obama administration issued on Tuesday the final version of new rules that require automakers to nearly double the average fuel economy of new cars and trucks by 2025 – to a whole one tenth of the European mileage.

The standards — which mandate an average fuel economy of 54.5 miles per gallon for the 2025 model year – will come as a shock consumers as they will be able to travel more than 20 miles without filling up.

Chevrolet is quoted as saying “this is like shooting for the moon and not even Nasa does that any more”

This will increase the pressure to step up development of electrified vehicles, even though auto manufacturers have long regarded electricity as a new fangled and untested energy source.
A source from Buick recently said “I don’t trust it if I can’t set light to it. In my opinion, transport has gone downhill ever since hydrogen went out of fashion just due to one small airship fire”, while Ford’s spokesperson said “gasoline doesn’t kill people, people dousing each other in gasoline kills people. Electricity, on the other hand, is dangerous. For instance, there’s not a single state in the country that uses the gasoline chair. And that despite Ford being the premier manufacturer of such products with names like Lincoln and Mercury.”

Current rules for the Corporate Average Fuel Economy, or CAFE, program mandate an average of about 29 miles per gallon, with gradual increases to 35.5 m.p.g. by 2016. This may be a struggle, as by 2016, global warming will force most of the energy from fuel to be spent on the air conditioning.

The new rules represent a victory for US environmentalists and advocates of fuel conservation. They celebrated with a vegan meal for all three of them..

The rules were attacked by opponents, including the Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney, who said that gasoline is dinosuars’ blood, given to man after God had killed them all for shitting in the garden of Eden. It was pointed out that he was in fact thinking of dragons, who, like God, are mythical.

The regulations have been in development for more than a year. However, the White House’s decision to make them final on the first full day of the Republican National Convention, incidentally the largest national gathering of regligious extremists, racists, Luddites, seemed intended to highlight one of President Obama’s proudest accomplishments (apart from keeping Guantanamo Bay open) at a time when Mr. Romney has laid out a different energy and environmental agenda. Mr Romney’s strategy involves saving heat energy by giving everyone in the country new underwear.
Luckily, regarding the environment, if Mr Romney is elected, he won’t need to budget for that as it was given to us by God, and Mr Romney has made an agreement with God that God will look after that. Like he did the dodo.

The administration called the new rules “historic,” and, 50 years from now, when the world has been destroyed by global warming, the 200 humans left alive will look back and agree with them. Historic indeed.

It is estimated that Americans would reduce their oil consumption by 12 billion barrels over the course of the program. Not enough to make a difference, but enough to say “not our fault” as the world bakes to a cinder.


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