For my writing class I have to write a couple of Saturday Night Live opening monologues. Below is my first attempt, quite pleased with it as a very first offering, I will choose something different for next week (I have an idea already, you will have to wait and see).
My selected host for the show is Danny McBride of “Eastbound and Down”
Welcome to Saturday Night Live. Ladies and Gentlemen, Danny McBride!
Yes, I am Danny McBride, I bet none of you motherfuckers realised how lucky you were going to be tonight, just having the awesomeness of me, hosting this show! I am here, I am in the house. You know, if I like it, I may even come back, how about that for a treat for you, oh yes.
‘Cos I’m the man, I got my bitches out back and my new ride, a brand new motor of the McBride, and I’m here to say you people can get all of this too if you just grow your hair like mine, remember to look sexy, remember who’s the man.
[Points at a guy in the front row]
Well, not you sir, you got to have the basic materials to start with, but now you
[Points to a pretty girl in the audience]
you have potential, come see me in my dressing room later [winks] if you know what I mean!
[one of the SNL crew comes out nervously and whispers to Danny]
What? Speak up, I can’t hear you, can’t you see I’m doing a job here?
Sorry Danny but-
That’s Mr Mcbride to you or sir. But I’ll let you off this time. So, what is it? Cmon, spit it out. You’re starting to cramp my style
Well, Mr McBride, Sir, I was just thinking that you probably shouldn’t insult the audience…
What are you on about, they love me, even the ugly ones. This is where I start to get mine. Danny McBride is on the up. This is just a stepping stone, hell things are going so well, I may even step into the presidential race – by next year it will be Danny McBride, leader of the free world, with all the ho’s a man can handle.
You do realise that you are only here because Stephen Segal turned us down.
Well from tiny bits of corn, mighty oaks are grown. I am here now.
Tiny bits of corns? You mean acorns? What does that mean anyway.
It means you get off my stage! Right, this is where I show off how brilliant I am.
And on with the show. Our musical talent for tonight is the brilliant Jamiroquai.
Back stage monologue – this is just an idea of what I thought of basing it round:
I see a shrine to Danny, with a wall of TVs, all showing Danny, and Danny meeting presidents, kings, Kate Middleton and trying to kiss her, trying to buy drugs off Lance Armstrong, a dream sequence where he has everything he wants, is draped in gold and jewels, girls, then he wakes up in a chair in a cramped corridor backstage-
Member of the stage staff
Mr McBride, thanks for stepping in last minute, everyone else was unable to come.