Rat Fighting in Chicago; a Rant, a Riposte, and a Rahm

The city Chicago is beefing up its rat fighting detail. Because in Chicago, rat fighting is big business.

And that is sensible, I mean, rats don’t pay taxes, how are they contributing? They live off the generosity of others, trawling through our garbage, they’re uneducated and they don’t have health care. By rat fighting, they get to give something back. The city captures the rats and puts them in rings. They then charge admission and also take a commission from betting. And so the rats on the streets help pay the wages of rats in City Hall.

There are several networks interested televising this, including America’s Got Talent who believe that the rats are at least as talented to the people who come on the program, although both human and rodent contestants on that program tend to come from the same type of environment. Meanwhile, the Worldwide Wrestling Federation has criticised the rat fights as ridiculous and unbelievable.

The city recently admitted that rat fighting is in fact only a pilot scheme, they soon plan to move onto the homeless, who, it is felt, contribute similarly little to society. An added advantage to the homeless over rats is that they are easier to track down as they smell more. Calling it Bum Thumping, they feel this will clear up the issue of poverty. Every time the homeless person wins, they get a meal. If this is successful, the disabled are next…

Chicago is proud of it’s social responsibility, the only place in the country with a safety net for the bottom of society. Even if that safety net is only there to protect the viewing public.

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To the City of Chicago, on behalf of all the rats, I am Felix Lemus. I stand here, as spiritual leader of my fellow scavengers, to say that, by St Benedict Joseph Labre, patron saint of tramps, we will not stand for this abuse. Sure, there are many rats who enjoy the business of fighting, but there are also a great many good rats too, rats who don’t deserve to be victimised by the city.

The other day I saw a rat that had been fighting, its fur all matted and balding in places, it looked so awful it might have been mistaken for a local school child. It is imperative that we look after the rats of the city who do a fabulous job of clearing up after the filthy humans. If you will discard your food willy nilly all over the place, someone has to clean up after you, and you have an army of rats who will happily do that for you for free. But do you want that? No, of course not, you want us fight for you instead, like some ancient gladiatorial battle, reenacted for the pleasure of a public that will drink heavily and drop even more food to the ground.

You cannot even see the skill that it takes to be a quality scavenger. These noses we have are very sensitive, we can find the deposited food in the most tricky of places; I once found a whole bun that had been left on a park table in a nice sealed paper bag by some children playing nearby. Oh they screamed with joy when they saw me, but I confess, I was embarrassed by all the attention, so just grabbed another bite and left. I might have peed a little too.

So what I am saying is that we should be treated no worse than other vermin in the city. If you force us to fight, then the politicians and lawyers should also have to fight. The difference is that we provide you with a public service and clean up after you, while those other pond life are just a drain on society, sucking on your lifeblood like festering leeches dangling from the city’s buttocks, and which is why, whenever you see those spawn of the devil you feel like throwing salt at them.

Chicago, respect your rats!

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The above monologue turned into a dialogue:

Felix the Rat
Mayor Emanuel, I am Felix Lemus, spokesperson and spiritual leader of the rats. Let me tell you, by St Benedict Joseph Labre, patron saint of tramps, we will not stand for this abuse. Sure, there are many rats who enjoy the business of fighting, but there are also a great many good rats too, rats who don’t deserve to be victimised by the city.

Rahm the Mayor
I understand where you are coming from, however you must understand where we, the City, are coming from. We need the new revenue and we can’t very well go down the route of taxing those with money. I mean, if we do that, they’ll never contribute to my reelection campaign. Then the city loses out on my brilliance. Besides, as you pointed out, there are rats who enjoy the fight.

Felix the Rat
There may be rats that enjoy it, but that doesn’t excuse the abuse of the innocent ones. The other day I saw a rat that had been fighting, its fur all matted and balding in places, it looked so awful it might have been mistaken for a local school child. It is imperative that we look after the rats of the city who do a fabulous job of clearing up after the filthy humans. Your campaign strategy should use us as your poster child of success – where there’s a Rahm, there’s a Rat

Rahm the Mayor
I’m not sure that will work for me. I’m here to clean up this town, and you are part of the problem, not the solution.

Felix the Rat
The problem? It is you humans that discard your food willy nilly all over the place! Someone has to clean up after you, and you have an army of rats who will happily do that for you for free. But do you want that? No, of course not, you want us fight for you instead, like some ancient gladiatorial battle, reenacted for the pleasure of a public that will drink heavily and drop even more food to the ground.

Rahm the Mayor
Now you are being over dramatic. You are just a rat. All you are good for is fighting.

Felix the Rat
Ha! You cannot even see the skill that it takes to be a quality scavenger. These noses we have are very sensitive, we can find the deposited food in the most tricky of places, I once found a whole bun that had been left on a park bench in a nice sealed paper bag by some children playing nearby. Oh they screamed with joy when they saw me, but I confess, I was embarrassed by all the attention, so just grabbed another bite and left. I might have peed a little too.

Rahm the Mayor
My point is made. I mean, what kind of animal steals from children? You are vermin.

Felix the Rat
We cannot change our title, but never accuse us of not compromising. If you insist on treating vermin differently from other citizens, at leasttreat all the vermin the same. If you force us to fight, then the politicians and lawyers should also have to fight. And as for stealing from children, we rats provide you with a public service and clean up after you. In 2006 you even proposed to bring back the draft! You politicians and lawyers are just pond life and a drain on society, and need I remind you of your time at Freddie Mac?

Rahm the Mayor
Right, I’ve had enough of you, you furry non voting member of the dispicable underclass. Yes, Freddie Mac was partly responsible for the collapse of wealth of a vast tract of the American populace, and yes, when I was on the board, it was plagued with scandals, but I left that sinking ship well before things went bad.

Felix the Rat
Had enough of me, just because I point out some home truths? Well that sounds about right, as you sit there sucking on the city’s lifeblood like a festering leech dangling from the populace’s buttocks, and even a rat knows a leech. Mr Mayor, you are no Pied Piper, but by tomorrow evening the city will believe it so, as every rat will come down here and join the occupy movement in your own garden. The rats will fight. Yes sir, and it’s you who we’ll be fighting! Chicago will respect its rats.

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