Why I hate my iPhone

A rant monologue I wrote for my Solo Performance class. I will eventually cut this down, extract its essence and perform this, below is my first iteration.

The iPhone is a terrible device

image Back in the day, you could attach a piece of wire to another piece of wire and tap. That tap would instantly disappear down said wire, and someone at the other end would pick up your message. Now, even to me, that was primitive. A little better than banging rocks together and probably about as much fun. Although I like banging rocks together, as a man it makes me feel complete. Most modern rocks I own don’t survive a good banging together, although when one of them is my iPhone, I regularly feel like doing that and then reinventing fire just to throw the bastard device onto it.

image However, after the first telegraph, things modernised, we had a few wars, people died, it was all very sad (too soon? How do you know I’m not talking about the Crimea?! Oh, it’s still too soon? Sorry about that. Now put your cannon ball down and have a nice hot cup of Bovril). Anyway, the Germans came along (literally, as the telegraph was invented before Germany) and formed a group identity around rules, marching with very straight limbs and not playing cricket. And that may be where they went wrong, cricket is a wonderfully civilizing force. Well, maybe not in Afghanistan. Or maybe it is and that is why the Taliban hate it. Ha!, we have just discovered how to make the world a better place, stop dropping bombs on people and drop cricket balls on them instead.

Anyway, back to Germany, they decided that they didn’t like Germany very much and what they wanted was a part of every other nation, and in order to achieve this they invented the Enigma machine (in the days before they invented the beach towel). However, this was still a primitive device that used the telegraph to work. Then the amazing and wonderful British came up with the Alan Turing, and the Alan Turing invented the computer (another Englishman, the Charles Babbage, had invented a computer many decades before, but he never actually made it. But what would the Victorians have used Babbage’s machine for anyway? Plotting where on a wall to stick the heads of recently killed rare creatures? Well maybe).

With the computer, we won the war. For you Americans reading this, yup, it’s true. You helped win the war, but not as much as the Russians helped win the war – we were already winning the war by the time America joined, but even with America’s help we’d have lost without the millions of Russians who mopped up the German bullets like so many sheets of Bounty kitchen roll. Still, it’s nice to say “We won the war!”, and you say it, and so do we. Let us say “Hurrah!” and not ask too many pressing questions.

After the war (well, in fact even before the war – the Second World War, not this silly one we’ve currently got against “terror”), we had the telephone, invented by a Scotsman, Alexander Graham Bell, and it was great (it was probably invented there because if you are in Scotland, the telephone is a lifeline, giving you access to parts of the world that aren’t primitive). However it has all gone downhill from there. Because then came the mobile phone, a massive device that required a backpack to carry it.

Over the years it became smaller, and those pesky Finns invented Nokia, a company with the diverse career history of a proper reprobate, got to love it. Now, Nokia really was the pinnacle of excellence when it came to the mobile phone, you could use a Nokia in a tunnel on the moon and it would still work, would never drop your call. Sure it was probably burning a hole in your brain and causing cancer, but who cares about that, we just want to communicate.

But then along came that bastard Steve Jobs and his bloody iPhone. Now we all have to have iPhones and they are utter shit! Mine just goes on strike, it’s like it is bloody unionised, it demands better treatment. Well it’s getting great treatment, it has a protective case, I constantly feed it (do you remember when you could recharge you phone and it would stay charged for a week? Not with the iPhone! No, it will drain faster than a pint of larger at a BNP rally. Bastard device) and yet all it does is complain. “I can’t connect to the internet”, “I can’t connect to the network”, “oh, you are making a call? sorry, but I don’t want to talk to the tower any more, so I’m dropping it”.

It has one main purpose, that purpose it to make phone calls. Great if I can use the maps, great if I can look up what the word for “bum” is in Swahili, but what I really want to be able to do is fucking talk! What I don’t want is to be talking and the person at the other end of the line to be wondering why they can’t hear me. And they shouldn’t wonder, because it is totally clear, they can’t hear because I am using a fucking iPhone!


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