A rant about the iPhone, edited down

The shortened versions of the iPhone rant I rewrote for my Solo Performance class.

Evolution. The full length version of the rants below is in a post further down the blog. I cut that down and changed the tone of it, and it became the bottom iteration on this page. I then tried to cut it again and again changed the tone. It became a different piece, but was still 3 minutes, so that is the middle piece.

Finally, the top piece here is what this has evolved into. Lots of the jokes cut out, this is the “essence” of what I was driving at I suppose. I hope it is the funniest and clearest rant of the 4 (although, I have dropped many jokes that I like – slaughtering one’s babies!). This has been a good exercise in working out what I am talking about, about honing and evolving my work, and basic editing.

Each version has a slightly different game. The very first game was Machines the Work vs Machines that Don’t. In the final version, immediately beneath here, the game is Manliness.

Manliness and The iPhone

Banging rocks together is manly, and a rock is a manly tool. Most modern man tools don’t survive it but, when one of them is my iPhone, I feel like doing just that; then reinventing fire just to throw the bastard device onto it, and then, reinventing the spear, just to poke the fucker.
I can handle communication when it’s manly. The telegraph was manly. That was basically banging rocks together with wires attached.

And the telephone is a manly invention. There’s nothing more manly that shouting at an inanimate object. That’s why it was invented by a Scotsman.

The mobile telephone? Well, the first mobile was manly, so called because it needed a mobile home to carry it. You can’t get more impractically manly than that.

Then Nokia turned the mobile phone into a proper man gadget. The type of devise that burnt a hole in your brain and caused cancer. Now that’s manly!

Of course there’s also email, which happens over the internet. Email I could take or leave, but the internet? That where porn comes from! Manly content!

But what if you take the man mobile-gadget and the man web-content? Really fucking manly, right? The iPhone, the Ultimate in Porn in Your Pocket, yeah?

Except the iPhone is iShite!
Because it’s like having a woman in your pocket;
Firstly, it sucks power like a cheap crack whore. So I heard.
Then, it has to have a protective case – real men don’t bag up. Even with cheap crack whores
And finally, it complains, “I can’t connect to the internet”, “I can’t connect to the network”, “oh, you are making a call? sorry, but I don’t want to talk to the tower any more, so I’m dropping it”.

It has one main purpose; to make phone calls. I don’t need the map, I’m a man, I know where I’m going, and the only time I ever need to ask for advice is to look up the word for “bum” in Swahili. The only manly thing about it is that I can now send my mates Instagrams of my penis.

But what I really want to do is talk! What I don’t want is for the person at the other end of the line to be wondering why they can’t hear me. And they shouldn’t wonder, because it’s totally clear; they can’t hear because I am using the one device designed to bring the prehistoric man out in me; a fucking iPhone!

+++

The game in the below version is both Manliness and the Great British Empire.

Manliness, the Brilliant British and The iPhone

Back in the day, communication was done by banging rocks together. Primitive. But quite manly. Most modern rocks I own don’t survive a good banging together, although when one of them is my iPhone, I often feel like doing that and then reinventing fire just to throw the bastard device onto it, and reinventing the spear to poke the fucker.

It is a machine, and it should work! When the first telegraph machine was invented by Fothergill and Cooke all the way back in 1835, they took the manly concept of banging rocks together and attached wires to it. And it worked. We could communicate with one another! 

Then in 1876 Alexander Graham Bell took the manly concept of shouting at inanimate objects and invented the telephone, giving Scotland access to parts of the world that aren’t primitive! And it was great. We could communicate better with one another. Just by shouting!

In 1946, the mobile phone was invented, so called because it required a mobile home to carry it. You can’t get more impractically manly than that.

Nokia then tinkered with it and improved it, and the mobile phone became a proper man gadget. Burning a hole in our brains and causing cancer, that’s manly communication, that is!

And we all lived happily ever after.

Except that in 1989, as a manly response to the music of Sinead O’Connor, Englishman Tim Berners-Lee invented the World Wide Web for everyone. Manly! Porn!

Which should have been fine – if it hadn’t been for that bastard Steve Jobs. He put 2 and 2 together and thought “Aha! Porn in everyone’s pocket!”, and invented the iPhone.

Now, you’d have thought I’d like this, the ultimate manly device, but I don’t. Because the iPhone is iShit!
It’s like having a woman in your pocket
It eats power faster than a fat bird eats ice cream.
It has to have a protective case – real men don’t bag up.
And complains. “I can’t connect to the internet”, “I can’t connect to the network”, “oh, you are making a call? sorry, but I don’t want to talk to the tower any more, so I’m dropping it”.

It has one main purpose; to make phone calls. I don’t need the map, I’m a man, I know where I’m going, and the only time I ever need to ask for advice is to look up the word for “penis” in Swahili. Although I do like to occasionally send my friends instagrams of my bum.

But what I really want to do is talk! What I don’t want is for the person at the other end of the line to be wondering why they can’t hear me. And they shouldn’t wonder, because it is totally clear, they can’t hear because I am using the one device designed to bring the prehistoric man out in me; a fucking iPhone!

++++

The game in the version below is just the Great British Empire

The Brilliant British and the iPhone

Back in the day, communication was done by banging rocks together. Primitive. But quite manly. Most modern rocks I own don’t survive a good banging together, although when one of them is my iPhone, I often feel like doing that and then reinventing fire just to throw the bastard device onto it.

It is a machine, and it should work! When the first telegraph machine was invented all the way back in 1835 (by 2 Englishmen, Fothergill and Cooke), it worked. We could communicate with one another!

I’m not saying everything old worked; in 1871, Germany was invented, and that didn’t work. I mean, what kind of person forms a group identity around rules, marching with very straight limbs and not playing cricket?

But if it had been invented in Britain it would have worked. For instance, 5 years later, in 1876, Scotland wanted access to parts of the world that aren’t primitive, so Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone! And it was great. We could communicate better with one another!

But Germany didn’t like the telephone and decided to visit people in person instead. Not only did they not phone in advance, they tried to hide their plans by inventing the Enigma machine. Which nearly worked.

However, the amazing and wonderful British came up with the Alan Turing, and the Alan Turing invented the computer, and that did work, and we won the war.

Job done, England sat down for a collective well earned hot cup of tea.

But then in 1946, the mobile phone was invented, so called because it required a mobile home to carry it. They weren’t very practical, so an Englishman, Tim Berners-Lee came up with better ways of using landlines and invented the World Wide Web for everyone.

However, that was not the end of the mobile phone. They became smaller and better, and Nokia became the biggest mobile maker in the world and began creating mobile phones that really worked. Because they were using the Symbian operating system, invented in Britain. Sure they were probably burning a hole in our brains and causing cancer, but who cares about that, we could communicate!

And we all lived happily ever after.

Or we would have done if it hadn’t been for that bastard Steve Jobs. He saw the angelic mobile phone and the miraculous world wide web, things that work, and thought, why not combine them into something that doesn’t, and invented the iPhone.

And now we all have to have iPhones and they are utter shit! Mine just goes on strike, it’s like it is unionised; it demands better treatment. Well it’s getting great treatment, it has a protective case; it demands to be fed; I feed it every day, yet it drinks power faster than lager at a cubs game, and yet it still has the temerity to complain. “I can’t connect to the internet”, “I can’t connect to the network”, “oh, you are making a call? sorry, but I don’t want to talk to the tower any more, so I’m dropping it”.

It has one main purpose, that purpose it to make phone calls. The British Empire is over so I no longer need to map function, or to look up the word for “penis” in Swahili, or even send my friends instagrams of my bum. What I really want to do is talk! What I don’t want is for the person at the other end of the line to be wondering why they can’t hear me. And they shouldn’t wonder, because it is totally clear, they can’t hear because I am using a fucking iPhone!

++++

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