This is an opening monologue for the Colbert Report that I have written. For those who don’t know, the Colbert Report is a satirical show in which the host, Stephen Colbert makes fun of the right by cartooning himself as right wing himself. It is light hearted and fun, and Colbert’s delivery style is quite earnest. I hope that you can hear his voice through what I wrote below (see underneath for a link to the Colbert Report website where you can watch real episodes, great fun!):
Welcome to the report!
An important week both politically and religiously!
Mitt Romney wants to be clear: He’s not taking “God” off the nation’s money or out of his party’s platform. And that is because God is a Republican. Sure, he went through a slightly dodgy period where he attacked the money lenders, but that was when Jesus was a young man. Everyone knows the older you get, the more right wing you get, and Jesus would be over 2000 years old now, the ultimate Republican.
The Democrats responded by saying that Obama “believes as much that God should be taken off coins as he does that aliens will attack Florida”, a blatant threat from our President on our nation and practically an invitation from him to the aliens. Thankfully, we Republicans know that, unlike God, aliens don’t exist. But this just goes to show how far our President is from reality.
Speaking in Virginia Beach, Romney talked about the Pledge of Allegiance and concentrated on two important things. One, he would not remove God from the nation’s conversation, and Two, he also promised to increase military spending. Yeah, let’s go to war! Because God and firepower make the world a safer place. Except on aeroplanes.
In fact, if you think about it, if we etch “In God we Trust” on the robot bomber drones we send into Pakistan, maybe they’ll kill fewer civilians. I’m writing to him right now.
You see, the pledge has said ‘under God’ since 1956. Which I know violates the First Amendment, but that’s ok, because by increasing military spending we’d be bolstering the Second Amendment!
Romney went on to say “I will not take God out of the name of our platform. I will not take God off our coins and I will not take God out of my heart,” You know what, I’ll bet that brilliant man even has God written on those wonderful underpants of his. That’s a level of religious conviction you don’t find outside of Iran, a place where they cut off the thieves hands, alcohol is banned and women cannot drive. If you feel inspired by this, it’s because you are a Republican, and if there is one thing we’ve learnt from fighting against Muslim extremists it’s that we Republicans have more in common with them than we thought.
And talking of Iran, if push comes to shove, Romney would clearly be a better president than Obama to take us to war with these people; Romney understands the Iranians. We don’t need Obama’s liberal principals and west African and Irish heritage, as those are not principals and places we need to fight against. But if we end up going into Iran, we should choose a president who understands the place. Not only does Romney share Iran’s vigorous religiosity, he also shares their heritage.
The name Romney comes from the Persian Rum-Ney, meaning “Reed Flute of Rom”, a rim-blown instrument from the Iranian village of Rom in the Sedeh province of the country.
[show map of Iran with Rom shown and a picture of someone blowing a Ney with the legend “traditional rimming”]
Of course, Mitt Romney is no more Iranian than Barack Obama is an American born Christian.
You see, in a phrase that could have come straight from Article 2 of Iran’s Constitution, Mitt understands, “We’re a nation that’s bestowed by God.” But as the Iranians say, even God is powerless without high powered weaponry.
[show picture of Romney with Iranian flag behind him]
Sorry, wrong picture.
[show picture of the Ayatollah with the US flag behind him]
We’ll be right back!