Daily Show monologue for Writing 1

This is the monologue I wrote for the Daily Show part of my writing package. It’s fun and I’m quite happy with it…

This is the Daily Show, with Jon Stewart!

[Sit’s down on the chair to the sound of a fart noise, stands up and picks up a whoopie cushion]

Who put this here? Talking of hot air, this has been a week of speeches.

Mitt Romney was at Virginia Beech, talking at the Military Aviation Museum, the last resting place for that which is out of date. Not that there is anything 19th century about making a political speech while you have a fire and brimstone preacher sat behind you.

[cut to image of evangelist Pat Robertson sat directly behind the podium]

Of course not, because back then they respected the 1st amendment about the separation of the church and the state.

Romney’s speech was based on the Pledge of Allegiance

[Show Romney saying “That pledge says, ‘Under God’. I will not take God out of our platform. I will not take God off our coins and I will not take God out of my heart.”]

Yeah ha! Because “Under God” was never in the original pledge, it was added in 1956. Which means the Mitt Romney had been happily saying the Pledge without “Under God” for a decade before it evolved. Sorry, was intelligently designed.

But no one, not even Obama, has said they will take God off the coins. I look forward to his next speech where he commits to not invading Canada, to not forcing men to sit down in order to pee and to not sitting on a throne on a beach and imploring the tide not to come in.

And talking of the sea, apparently

[Cut to “our Navy is smaller that its ever been since 1917? That’s unacceptable.”]

1917? when the whole world was fighting the “War that would end All Wars” and 17 million people died? That’s like saying I am taking fewer antibiotics now than I’ve taken since I was cured of pneumonia, gangrene, cholera, anthrax and bubonic plague. What?!

[Cut to Romney saying “We gotta make sure he does not have any more days in the White House after January, I have a plan.”]

Talking to an industry whose tools are firearms, that is a speech that Mitt’s ancestor John Wilkes Romney would have been proud of.

[ Cut to Romney “I’m gonna get America energy independent in eight years,”]

Ok, how are you going to do that? Invade Iran? Oh, you’re going to invade Iran. ok.

But hey, we kind of need another war, I mean, we, the people, need computer games with realistic scenarios. Yeah ha!

And at least God is on our side. But only if we wear the right underwear.

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