Saturday Night Live, Opening Monologues

This is my second attempt at writing a Saturday Night Live pair of opening monologues (on stage and backstage). I was quite pleased with the last pair, so let’s see if I can do even better with these. I’ve been thinking of a number of people who might make good hosts for SNL and who I might like to write for. My list that I thought through includes:

Stephen Fry, Stephen Marchant, Eddie Izzard, Marc Maron, Doug Stanhope, Boy with Tape on His Face;
Buzz Aldrin, Stephen Hawking, Jeremy Clarkson, The Dalai Lama, Tony Bair, Boris Johnson;
Prince Harry, Zara Philips, Pippa Middleton;

One of the things I wanted to make sure of was to know that I knew the voice of my host properly, hence why I chose Danny McBride before. I so loved Eastbound and Down that it was actually quite easy to write out an idea. However, one of my classmates also wrote for Danny McBride and, as I am keen to challenge myself, I decided that I out to try to do a different one to flesh out further.

I settled on Daniel Craig. This proved a little prophetic, as, subsequently (2 days later), SNL announced that he would in fact host the show on 6 October.

Below is my vision of the Daniel Craig monologues, front stage and backstage, that I wrote on 22 Sept (and underneath that, the link to the actual opening monologue for you to compare). I sent in my version of the monologue of Daniel Craig to the programme (well, why not!), but clearly they decided on something else. The sods!

On stage monologue:

My Lords, Ladies and Gentlemen, Daniel Craig.

Daniel Craig parachutes in from the top of the stage, strips off his parachuting gear and is wearing Black Tie (a Tuxedo) underneath. Audience clap, he nods.

DC [to the audience]
Excuse me one moment.

DC [stage whisper to a visible cameraman]
[Pause, looks around to make sure no one’s listening]
You wouldn’t, by any chance, have seen Her Majesty would you?

[cameraman looks confused]

You know, the Queen of England? I’ll get into frightful trouble if I’ve lost her…

[cameraman shakes head]


[turns back to audience]

My lords, ladies and gentlemen, your host today was supposed to have been queen Elizabeth II. Please accept my most humble apologies, you will have to make do with Daniel Craig, the man I was before I underwent the training to become the world’s suavest secret agent. It has been pointed out to me that, as a secret agent my activities have been rather less secret than those of even Kim Kardashian. Yes, I accept, James Bond is a fairly public figure, but what better way to keep a secret agent safe than to follow him around with a film crew. It’s like Jersey Shore with bombs. Although interestingly, many people have written in suggesting that blowing up Jersey Shore might improve the program.

Now, some people have asked me, am I like this in real life. And, I tell them, the only reason I was selected for the role is that I was once in Best Buy and had to despatch 4 Russian agents with nothing more than a soft toy and a brooding look. Because I’m that good.

Of course, the reason I wasn’t competing in the Olympics myself was due to British sense of fair play; it is important to give lesser human beings a chance. It would have looked unseemly for James Bond to have won every single event unless I was at least fighting off 3 pet stroking megalomaniacs with assorted henchmen.

And that is one thing, I do miss Jaws. They don’t make henchmen like they used to…

[Richard Keil (Jaws) appears at the side of the stage and walks onto set]

Aha! Ladies and Gentlemen, Richard Keil, Jaws

Richard Keil
Daniel, your wife, Rachel Weisz on the phone.

DC [looking very worried timidly takes the phone]
Hi coochy poo, look, I’m hosting Saturday Night Live right now honey… Well I’m here to tell them about the release of the next James Bond film, Skyfall…

[pause for audience applause]

Of course it’s going to be better than Cowboys and Aliens… Of course I’ll remember the eggs… And the milk… Look I really… I’ll be back soon, I promise dinkie pie… Yes, yes, I’ll wear the James Bond trunks for you… nighty nighty, kiss kiss.

[puts phone into pocket]

Where was I? Ah yes, I’m hosting SNL, because laughter is the weapon of the free world!
We’ve got a great show for you, James Blunt will be our musical guest for you, we’ll be right back.

Now, seriously, has anyone seen the Queen?

Actual Daniel Craig SNL opening monologue


Backstage monologue (not fully thought through, basic idea)

Daniel Craig emerges from his dressing room, wearing his a towelling robe and a cowboy hat into the middle of a battle being fought between Cowboys and Aliens, with a large poster of the Cowboys and Aliens film behind. Big fight scene. Finishes with Harrison Ford arriving (or member of the cast as Harrison Ford), Daniel tipping his hat to him

I’ll take this from here

DC moves to the next room where a girl with a dragon tattoo kisses him on the cheek and takes his hat, he keeps walking.

He comes to the edges of a pool, drops the robe, dives into it, comes up the other side as he did in Casino Royale, walks out of pool, where he’s handed his Tuxedo, walks out onto the stage, completely dry, suave and perfectly James Bond.

Boys, boys, calm down


Ideas for sketches with James Bond / Daniel Craig

Someone asks him to get him a drink – every part of his life is like James Bond

Other members of cast are other James Bonds, take them on in silly games, they blow up

Off stage ones are more sketch like

Ex bond girls – members of cast as those (on the show they ended up doing something with “lesser known” Bond girls which was very funny)

JB reality show

JB commercial

JB floor soap

Gold Bond powder for rashes
“Do you find your parachute chafes – the real hazard of being a spy comes afterwards”.


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