Writing 2, Saturday Night Live, Cold Opening Sketch

For this task, we have to write a topical sketch for the start of SNL that happens immediately prior to the credits. The task is to come up with something that is topical and or political, and the most topical thing right now is of course the presidential election process currently underway.

Here in the US there is a popular cookery program called Chopped, where contestant chefs battle out to produce the best dish for the judges, each one getting “chopped” until there is a winner. I chose this to parody the election, I hope you enjoy.
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Voiceover
2 candidates, 50 states, 1 election to win. Welcome to “Cheifed”

Cheifed Show host
Yes, attention citizens, your country is about to get the Cheifed treatment. And we encourage you all to vote, although, unless you are on the panel, as usual, it won’t count.

Candidates, you have to cook up unforgettable manifesto promises from the mystery ingredients provided, before the term runs out. You must use all the ingredients in the basket (no hiding them in Cuba). Also available is all the money in your own personal kitchen.
[cut to the doorway of a room filled with stacks of money and gold with a glittery sign saying Romney, next to another doorway of a room with a table and a can of soup on it and a raggedy handwritten sign saying Obama]

You will be judged on your ability to cut deals with shady lobbyists, how much you can tar the other candidate’s reputation, and how much richer you agree to make the panel after you win.
And if the meal is just not silly enough, the country will be stuck with the other one.

Obama
As the return winner from last season, I feel I have a good chance here. I have been working hard at the country’s economy, although it was tricky as the previous winner left the oven on. I feel I have become a better chief for the opportunity, and with under chief Clinton always ready to add extra salt into the wounds, I have kept on my toes.

What will I do if I win? Well, having been in the post for 4 years, I have realised that there’s not very much a chief can do without the backing of the senators’ union. However, they are so distant from the people they represent, I’m going to help them reconnect by giving all their money to the poor, thereby helping them rejoin the masses.

Romney
I’m so excited to be on the show. I tried for it before, but the people didn’t like my underpants, so this time I am keeping them hidden and talking about their underpants instead.

If I win, the judges are going to be so rich, and I’m going to be so rich, and I’m going to cook the country to a crisp, really dry it out, you know, suck the juice out of it, mm um mmm. Also I’m hoping to get the chance of trying my barbequeing skills on a few other countries, just to see how they burn in my military grade oven, oh, it will be so much fun.

Host
And judging is our distinguished panel of power brokers:
The Koch brothers.

The Koch brothers [with cricket caps like Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dee. Everything they say, they say in unison]
We feel that lies are really important. And so is tea. Tea and lies, lies and tea. And we have air conditioning, so we don’t mind how hot it gets. As they say, if you can’t take the global warming, get out of the kitchen, haha!

Host
Donald Trump

Donald Trump
I’m rich and I love it. You want to be me because my favourite food is money, mm mm, so tasty. My advice to the candidates? Give me enough money that I can build a tower with my face to cover the whole country. Mm mm, that makes me salivate. I don’t know what’s tastier, money or an inappropriately young girlfriend. Mm mm!

Host
Oprah Winfrey

Oprah
I’m not a member of the 1%, what am I doing here? Gail? I give to charities! 1%? I’m one of the half percent!

~~~

Host
And we’re down to the final round, so let’s just recap. In the first round, the judges were well pimped, that round definitely goes to Romney

[Cut to the judges wearing pimping clothing, fur, chains, dark glasses, looking like real pimps, all nodding]

The second round went to Obama when you proved that Romney is in fact an Iranian

[show photo in a frame with photoshop of Romney in Iranian headgear]

So, down to the line who it going to win? Candidates, present your final dish.

[together they put up placards, one saying “Live from New York”, the other “It’s Saturday Night”]

Obama and Romney together
Live from New York, it’s Saturday night!

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