Practice jokes 17

Jokes based off this morning’s headlines, 5 November

Today Ed Miliband will unveil plans to deliver a “living wage” of at least £7.20 per hour for millions of people, if Labour wins the next election (although the best paying job for someone with no qualifications whatsoever is still that of politician).

Ed Miliband launches plans for a living wage of £7.20 per hour. Cameron says let them eat cake

You know you’re fucked for ideas when your latest “big concept” comes from a speech made 140 years ago, by a party you hate.

Miliband’s One Nation idea comes from an 1872 speech. The following year saw global economic depression

Hundreds of children living rough in London may have no official nationality. It’s beautiful that they’re choosing to be citizens of the world.

Hundreds of children are living rough in London, in what has been described by the Scouts as a camping trip gone wrong.

Campaigners accuse the government of creating a developers’ charter with its Growth and Infrastructure Bill being debated in the Commons later.
The bill is described as looking like it was thought up in a pub before the pub was bought up by developers and turned into an ugly block of flats.

The Department for the Environment, Food and Rural Affairs says there have now been 52 confirmed cases of ash dieback disease. They promise to wake up and do something about the disease in a year or two, pointing out that there will be fewer cases once several million trees have died.

David Cameron has arrived in the Gulf to strengthen Britain’s defence, security and commercial ties in the wake of the Arab Spring revolutions. Because the British economy is based on selling new regimes the technology to allow them to be as oppressive as the old ones.

Parents want meals in academies and free schools to be bound by the same nutrition standards as those in local authority schools, a report suggests.
The kids want chips.


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