Solo Performance Tap Water

No one cares about me, just ‘cos I come out of a tap. They think, twist and squirt; that’s no respect.

But no, the kids don’t want me, ‘cos I don’t come in a bottle. It’s this throw away culture, because they bin the bottle and think the water in that is better. I’ve got pipes older than these kids that disrespect me!

It’s all just PR. Bottled water thinks he’s so special, yet most of the time he came out of a tap himself. Stuck up fucker.

What’s more, I get regulated by the EPA, the Environmental Protection Agency. Yeah, a security firm, for H2O. No guns, not even water pistols. And not only are they STRICT, there are hundreds of them.

Bottle boy here’s not regulated by the EPA. He’s regulated by the Food and Drug Administration, strict too you’d have thought? Ha! There’re just 2 people to regulate every bottle of water sold in the United States, and bottled water sold within state doesn’t get regulated by them at all. Yup, this could be pond water and no one would know! Ooh, he tastes good. Yeah, but he’s water. Water with taste is not a good thing.

Maybe it’s the posh branding, I mean, people will even pay for well packaged air.
(mime smoking a cigarrette)
Man, this water’s so good I could smoke it! Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Marlboro Clear.

Expensive, branded, often even toxic. But fuck it, drinking this says something about me.

You think I’m exaggerating, but a recent test of the Fiji water brand found it contained elevated levels of arsenic, styrene and toluene. So, just like tobacco. Stick that in your pipe and smoke it.

So yes, drinking this definitely says something about you.

However, despite all of this, I’m not bitter. Mainly because, unlike my friend here, I’m tap water. I’m properly regulated, so, bitter, I can’t be.

Next time you turn on a tap, pour me into a glass, raise me to your lips and let my gentle flow caress your tongue and throat, remember, I am the best you can get.

It really is what’s on the inside that counts.

+++

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