Sucking carbon dioxide out of the atmosphere might curb global warming. And polarpigs might fly.
One controversial way proposed for sucking up this CO2 is the fertilising of the world’s oceans with iron. Another more practical solution would be to fertilise the oceans with members of the US Republican Party.
Some geoengineers claim releasing iron into the sea will stimulate plankton blooms, which absorb carbon and put off German tourists. They put off other tourists too, but it’s the German ones we’re worried about. With their towels and bratwurst. Awful for the environment.
New research has revealed that soot from oil-burning ships is dumping 1000 tonnes of soluble iron per year into the north Pacific.
Soot is the ship equivalent of poo, and iron is the ship equivalent of a night on the Guinnesses.
This uncontrolled experiment could have unforseen consequences. For instance, I once had a night on the Guinnesses and woke up with a traffic cone on my head.
Experiments suggest that fertilising the ocean with iron changes the population of algae. You get new, immigrant algae, coming her taking our algae’s jobs. Grr.
This algal change causes a shift from fish-dominated to jellyfish-dominated ecosystems. Which explains why, since having an iron lady prime minister, Britain has suffered under a generation of politicians with no backbones.