How To Write An Online Dating Profile: Al’s 10 Rules for the Ladies!

I love reading dating profiles. Or hate reading them. However there are some howlers that girls post to their profiles, so as a gift to womankind (one of my many!), here are my 10 rules for posting a successful dating profile.

Get this right and you’ll get more interest of the kind that you want. Or keep doing what you are doing and getting the results you are getting. Besides, it will make the process much more fun – and if it’s not fun, what’s the point!

1 Only put up photographs where you are looking pretty. If necessary, get the photograph taken professionally (if you ming, pay for a better photographer; once you are on the date he’s at least committed to hear if you’ve got decent chat.)

Internet dating is like window shopping, and the first thing guys look at are the pictures. If there is one picture that makes you look like you’ve just swallowed a frog, one that catches the angle just right to make your nose / eye / ear / belly / bingo wings look deformed, often the guy will move straight on without reading your profile. There is just too much choice to waste time writing to someone unattractive (and the guys that you are interested in are the ones that have the confidence to move on, so all you are doing is trying to make sure those guys take a second look at you)

2 Don’t put up a photo of you making a face. It looks funny to you and your friends, but to people who don’t know you, it makes you look like an idiot.

3 Do put up a photo catching you having fun. A genuine smile really shows. But be careful that the photo doesn’t inadvertantly make you look like you’ve got bingo wings (see point 1)

If in doubt, get a MALE friend to help you choose the best photos. And don’t question him when he rejects some, often you really won’t want him to be honest as to why. Or if you really do want to know, just chose a male friend you can afford to lose.

4 Don’t show a photo of you with a cat. Women who like cats so much that they include them in their dating profile pictures suggests mad cat lady. Just owning a cat will make many guys think twice, and even guys who are ok with cats will find those photos off putting (cats mew at the same frequency as babies. Guys find that freaky. They also lick their own arses. Don’t ask me why, but for guys, dogs, who lick their own genitalia, is way better than any animal that rims itself)

5 If you don’t have children, don’t put up pictures of you with a child. With several children is fine, but just one will make the guy think it’s yours.

6 Don’t put up photos of you with friends who are prettier than you. The guys writing to you will be thinking of them.

7 Don’t put up photos of you with ugly friends. The don’t make you look prettier, they just make it look like you’ve got ugly friends.

8 Don’t put up photos of you with celebrities unless this is your everyday life. Anyway, see point 6.

These are your profile pictures. Less is more. A guy will take a punt on a single amazing photo, but a second one, where what looks like your belly is in fact a puffa jacket, will undo all the deceit you are working so hard on. Guys like looks. We are also relatively forgiving of lies (hey, it’s a game, and we know that you ladies are the real players – fake eyelashes, make up and push up bra anyone?).

9 Write something interesting. Write like you know what you want, write about something non date related, write about what you are passionate about (unless it’s cats. If it’s cats, you’re screwed – unless you write about rimming. Some guys will dig that). That way, the interesting guys will have something to write back to you about.

Every girl wants roughly the same dull shit. So does every guy. Including it just says you are dull. If you are pretty, then guys will still write to you, but come on! Stand out from the crowd!

10 Don’t write that you dislike arrogance. You don’t. Every guy in the world is a bit arrogant (except those with no sex appeal), so saying it just says you are a lesbian – appealing, but probably not in the way you intended. The guys that write trying to hide their arrogance will bore you. Unless you are on the pill, you will want a real man. (If you are on the pill, its hormones are telling your body you are pregnant and need a man who is meek and mild, and when you come off the pill to have real babies with him, you won’t find him attractive. Don’t worry, at that point you can come and find me.)

Your profile is supposed to tease the guys, show enough that they will want to find out more. If you are looking for sex, show the sexy. If you are looking for love, show that you are fertile (the photos) and fun to be with. Guys have evolved to enjoy beauty and playmates. Sex, we want, but playmates, we want to come back to.

Good luck!

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4 thoughts on “How To Write An Online Dating Profile: Al’s 10 Rules for the Ladies!”

  1. Gotta disagree with number 1. I like a mixed bag of photos. Here is me looking pretty, and here is me without make-up looking a bit rough. The second one is what you will really be waking up next to if it gets that far.
    I think just putting hot photos is a bad idea the last thing you want is someone being disappointed the minute they lay eyes on you in real life!

    1. My point entirely. You girls may want that from a guy, but for guys that is a turn off. We don’t mind seeing what you look like in the morning – in fact, using bloke logic, it might even make us proud “What a stunning performer I am, totally wrecked you!”
      Looking wrecked when we weren’t in the picture, at best just implies you were with another bloke.

      As for being disappointed when meeting you, that won’t happen because if you like the guy, you’ll make an effort. Besides, you are already there. Like all sales, the meeting is the first foot in the door!

      1. True, a complaint, but the girl still got to meet the guy. Once there, it’s up to her to convert. Besides, putting your best picture up isn’t the same as putting up something that doesn’t look like you, and you looking minging won’t look like you when I meet you either – not just because that is not what you will make yourself look like on a date, but also because, unless there is something incredibly compelling about you, I won’t be contacting you / replying to your message to me. Don’t listen to what guys say, watch what they do. If he likes you, he’ll go out with you even if you are a proper hound. But he won’t even bother to meet you if your photos show you howling at the moon…

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