10 Reasons Puppies are Better Than Penguins

I have a wonderful puppy called Nyxie. And she is way better than a penguin, and I shall tell you why.

1 In the park.
In the park, a puppy is entirely at home. There are penguins in zoos, so technically they are in parks, but really, to make a penguin at home, you need an iceberg and quite a lot of space for them to migrate. Puppy migration is much easier to handle. Nyxie migrates from the food bowl to the garden, from the garden she migrates to wherever there are squirrels, from squirrels, I put her into a satchel (she is a very small hound, the dog equivalent of the Australian Fairy Penguin), and she migrates by bike. None of this swimming and chasing fish malarkey.

2 Swimming.
Puppies swimming is very sweet. They love a good puddle. Nyxie is like a small child, jumping into the puddle just to make a splash. Penguin puddles are sea sized. I don’t have that kind of space. Besides, with their heads under water, how good will their recall be? If I have a piece of cheese, particularly Camembert, Nyxie will come running at high speed. Penguins only waddle, and they don’t like Camembert. I don’t even think they’d come for Double Gloucester.

3 Feathers vs fur
Feathers are fine and well, but fur is way better. It’s warm and modern. Feathers are new and untested technology, evolving in the Late Cretaceous period. Fur on the other hand, has been around for about 310 million years. Anyway, feathers are for flying, not for swimming. Penguins don’t even know how to use one of the defining features of a bird!

4 Peeing
Puppies either pee or poo. Separate entities, liquid or solid. Sometimes on the carpet. Penguins let it all come out as guano, and if that gets into your carpet, you know about it. Now, I know that guano has its uses, and that mining it made lots of money for lots of countries like Peru and Nuaru, as well as fertilizing the Cotswolds, but it was also behind the 1864 Chincha Islands War. In fact Spain then tried to buy the Chincha Islands with Gibraltar, even though Gibraltar was already British. The scoundrels!
Did you know that poo and pure come from the same word? Puppy poo used to be used to cure leather, and they sent out boys, or puers (from the Latin), to pick it up, hence poo. It was then used to purify, or puerify, the leather. So, next time you get into your leather thong, remember, puppies, not penguins.

5 Barking
Penguins don’t bark. Except for Rockhopper Penguins.

6 Food
Penguins eat fish. The world’s fisheries are being destroyed. Down with penguins. I know technically puppies eat fish too, and that penguins are not to blame for the parlous state of the world’s fish stocks, but penguins look very pompous in their White Tie style get up. I’m not saying that they’re an easy target. Well, I am. Partly because they don’t move. Apparently, when planes fly over penguins, the penguins watch them pass overhead and end up toppling over backwards. Silly penguins.
Nyxie barks at the postman, but she’s not that bothered by planes.

7 Eggs
How many puppies have you met that lay eggs? Exactly. Imagine if you came downstairs in the morning and found a freshly laid egg. You try to grab it, but the penguin is balancing it on its feet. So, there you are, thinking about breakfast, and you are being teased by the penguin in your living room.

8 Smell
Penguins don’t smell the same as puppies. Puppies smell like mud and whatever else they’ve rolled in. Probably dead animal. Sometimes a piece of Camembert. But penguins, well they probably smell of fish. Dead animal or dead fish? Fish is worse. Either way, both puppy and penguin are going in the garden until they smell better. I like my living room to smell nice.

9 Killer whales
Penguins get eaten by killer whales. I don’t want my house invaded by those beasts, and I doubt the council would approve. Puppies rarely get eaten by killer whales, so, much safer.
Incidentally, for those of you thinking that the risk is worth it, let me tell you that you can’t even give killer whales asbo. Or ankle tags (no ankles)

And finally, most importantly,
10 Space
Penguins have never been to space. Puppies look great in space suits, but penguins look distinctly uncomfortable. Space is not the penguins element. Dogs are mans best friend, and that is why we send them on adventures. Granted, dogs in space don’t tend to survive the experience, but still, what an experience!

And there you have it, 10 clear reasons why puppies are better than penguins. But if you still want to get a penguin, that’s fine. I’m not the penguin police.

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