Category Archives: Love

Letting It In and Letting It Out

Once, at a gig in Acton, I was threatened with physical violence by another act. Rather than just responding with a pre-emptive thumping of him myself, I was exceedingly British and apologised for whatever unknown to me thing that I had done to upset him. However, it transpired that that upset was caused by my having been born, as he hates me for being “posh” – tough gig!

You cannot please all the people all the time, and I know that my aim of doing so is, to a degree, a failure. I am learning to “hold on to my shit”, as those brilliant people at the Annoyance Theatre would say. That means, to me, to be honest in my reactions, to believe in my choices, and then to commit to those choices. Of course, to start that and be honest in my reactions, I have to relearn that aspect of my personality that was euthanased by a traditional British upbringing. I have to learn to listen to my emotions, accept them, let them in, let them affect me, and then let the boiling concoction of me plus the new experiences of these overwhelming sensations, overflow into action. And I have to trust myself to do so.

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The Story of My Online Dating Profile

I admit it. I do online dating. Then again, who doesn’t these days.

I recently got fed up with the whole blandness of the thing and decided to give my profile a bit of texture, a bit of fun. Unfortunately, many people read these things at face value – which I find even funnier. Although as such, while I was hoping for feisty girls, I have also attracted one or two nutters…

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How To Write An Online Dating Profile: Al’s 10 Rules for the Ladies!

I love reading dating profiles. Or hate reading them. However there are some howlers that girls post to their profiles, so as a gift to womankind (one of my many!), here are my 10 rules for posting a successful dating profile.

Get this right and you’ll get more interest of the kind that you want. Or keep doing what you are doing and getting the results you are getting. Besides, it will make the process much more fun – and if it’s not fun, what’s the point!

1 Only put up photographs where you are looking pretty. If necessary, get the photograph taken professionally (if you ming, pay for a better photographer; once you are on the date he’s at least committed to hear if you’ve got decent chat.)

Internet dating is like window shopping, and the first thing guys look at are the pictures. If there is one picture that makes you look like you’ve just swallowed a frog, one that catches the angle just right to make your nose / eye / ear / belly / bingo wings look deformed, often the guy will move straight on without reading your profile. There is just too much choice to waste time writing to someone unattractive (and the guys that you are interested in are the ones that have the confidence to move on, so all you are doing is trying to make sure those guys take a second look at you)

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Another poem based on the form of Thomas Hardy’s weathers (don’t worry, I’m not feeling this, I’m perfectly alright!)
This is the feeling romantics adore,
And so do I;
When Angels nibble and tickle the core
And hearts fly high;
And thoughts of all else just flutter away,
And the lights of the night brightly sparkle and play,
And the fool takes a ride on a runaway sleigh,
And insatiably craves the sensation all day,
And so do I.
This is the feeling discardeds detest,
And so do I;
When Demons take wing and claw at the chest,
And hearts scream “Why?”;
And light has no colour and all is bland,
And the pain of their name sears your brain like a brand,
And all that’s unsaid is just And And And,
And the miserable die in a desolate land,
And so do I.

Is it better to have loved and lost?

The Pain of Knowledge of Love

The battle lines are drawn in sand today
Love can kill, but love can help you live
The feelings that I’m feeling yet again
Grip my heart with pain I won’t forgive
Small explosions, nerve endings ripped raw
Licking flames reach a heart made of straw.
The young don’t understand the benefit,
Hearts unscarred by war in realms of love;
Where foreign troops’ more vicious arms commit
Crimes so cruel that even God above
Cries in shame at a game played by brutes
Stomping on fragile hearts with their boots.
I almost wish my heart was young again
Lightly walk through minefields unaware
Without the fear of losing oxygen,
Suffocating, lungs empty of air.
I want sun, I want fields, I want light,
Feeling free, flying high as a kite.
Though I remember how it felt so good
I remember how it felt so bad
One moment you are walking through a wood
Struck by beauty, heart so free and glad
But the change makes your heart silhouette
Splits your chest with a chasmic regret
(Why’s a hole so damned hard to forget?!!)

Real sentiments, this was written as an exercise, the rules of which are below…

The poem will consist of 6-line stanzas.

The first and third lines will be iambic pentameter.

The  second and fourth lines will be trochaic, consisting of five stressed and four unstressed syllables.

The fifth and sixth lines will consists of three anapests each.
The rhyme scheme will be a-b-a-b-c-c.

Make the poem at least two stanzas.

d’Dum, d’Dum, d’Dum, d’Dum, d’DAY, 
Dum, d’Dum, d’Dum, d’Dum, d’BEE,
d’Dum, d’Dum, d’Dum, d’Dum, d’DAY,
Dum, d’Dum, d’Dum, d’Dum, d’BEE,
d’d’Dum, d’d’Dum, d’d’CEE,
d’d’Dum, d’d’Dum, d’d’CEE,

Older poems – Youthful Angst

None of these had titles, so I’ve given them English ones (because my Spanish is no longer good enough). Written in 1998.

Possibilities of Beauty
Hace cuatro años vine por primera vez,
           Chico suelto por el mundo, libre de boludez
En Peru conocí a Cecilia como ya sabrás
            Y gracias a conocer a ella, conocí a alguin más
Es otra señorita con muchas cualidades,
            Linda, lista, simpatica, viajadora de las ciudades.
¿Es Buenos Aires muy grande? – no bastante para ella
           Tokyo, Londres, Nueva York, tell me what’s your pleasure
Despues del ulitimo examen, el diez y ocho del mes,
            Hay una chica suelta por el mundo, libre de boludez.
Estudiante concienzuda, mujer sabia y entendida
            También es ser humano, disfrutando de lo mejor de la vida
Pero hablando de su bellesa, hay que verla para entender
            Que mis palabras no cabrían en describirla y por eso mejor ni voy a pretender

This was a poem written for a girl I once fancied called Clara Bibiloni.

I had just arrived in Argentina for my year abroad whilst studying for a Latin American Studies degree. The car crash that followed is written in heartfelt (but not very good) verse below.

As you can see, as a young man I was a bit of a wus…


Do you remember how it felt to like someone so much that it seems as if you’ve an overheated elephant occupying your headspace, the torture of blossoming young love? I think it’s better for some people than for others.

Bollocks To Desire
No entiendo como siento pero siento mucho
No era mas que amiga por mucho que lo quiría
No se lo que hice y no me importa lo que dice
Porque mi mente está hecho.
Ella es la que quiero.
Intenté a hacer todo mejor que bueno, más honroso que nunca, pero no vale para nada. Que cagada.
No entiendo. No entiendo las sutilezas del idioma, ni la de las mujeres aqui.

I sent her a nice note with a dried four leaf clover in it for luck. It was supposed to be a romantic gesture (to any young men reading this, don’t do it!)

Don’t Need No Suerte
Ahora siento mejor, esta jugando conmigo.
No me importa
Si haya resultado.
La di mi oja de suerte, espero que me quede algo.
No lo necesito exepto con ella
Pero espero no necesitarlo.
Pero espero no necesitarlo.

I’d started falling in love. Having fallen a few times, I now realise falling off a moving train is less painful (as is, from experience, being hit by a lorry or even breaking your neck off a horse), but falling in love does do weird stuff to a man.

Hungry, Thirsty and Lost
Ella necesita la suerte, ella tiene un examen
Tengo sed de ella, a red red wine
Ella no necesita la suerte, ella ya estudió
Tengo hambre de Clara, sweet miel on the tongue.
Dónde esta? Ella sabe muy bien.
Pero a mi? Estoy perdido por ella.

Clearly I was moving too fast. She had been interested in me initially but the gesture of the four leaf clover gift proved a turn off.

The Pain of the Unrequited
Un año afuera de casa, un viaje hasta no sé.
Pero sólo tres semanas enBuenos Airesand Alex loses his way.
I met her, y ahora tuerzo en mis savanas.
Desde el lunes pasado que se me fueron ganas
Porque la chica no me habla.
¿Porqué la chica no me habla?

Are we bored of young male angst yet? Surely we are! Underneath is the final poem I wrote for her, and actually, compared to the others, it’s really not too bad.

Drowning in thoughts of Clara
Abrí mis ojos otra vez, estaba pensando en ella
Los pensamientos no me dejan en paz, me molesta pero no me molesta.
Mis pensamientos quedan con ella, entonces y ahora y todo el tiempo
Trabajando estudiando, andando
Despierto, dormido y siempre
Está concentrada en sus estudios; yo estudio, yo trabajo, yo vivo sin concentrar
Estoy feliz de tenerla en mi mente, y viajando por mi mente la voy a encontrar.
Comopuedo estar feliz o por lo menos satisfecho?
Es mentira que no puedo concentrar. Pienso en ella y en nada mas que ella. Ella es el vino y ya estoy boracho
Sin ni una sola gota.
Thoughts on women as a drug
Las mujeres hacen lo mismo que hace el vino.
Son adictivas, pero mucho mas tambien;
Con el pensamiento arruinado, ando por la ciudad
Estoy boracho pero no entiendo por que.
And some thoughts...

Estoy satesfecho. Feliz es una palabra demasiado fuerte, pero fui a ver Les Miserables con Juan, asi que tuve una buena noche. La pelicula debe ser uno de los mejores que vi en mi vida, pero no hay que ser genio para saber en lo que estaba pensando el major partedeltiempo.Comome siento ahora no puede durar. No estoy triste, ella no me rechazo totalmente todavia, no creo que haya otro hombre para que tenga celos. Pero pasado mañana tiene su examen, y despues tendre que enfrentar la realidad, y la realidad es que hay una sola realidad que me va a gustar. La en que le gusto. No hay razon para otro resultada, pero estamos tratando de mujeres aca, y todavia no se porque no me hable – y ademascomoes mujer no necesita razon ni para sus pensamientos, ni para sus acciones.

Ella me hace feliz solamente existiendo, pero ese quince dias duraban muchisimo – que la felicidad dure.

Predictably, it fell apart totally and, being young and ignorant, I had no idea what I’d done or why. I wrote the letter below, but I’m pretty sure I didn’t send it. I can’t believe I had a pair of peach coloured trousers (ah, yes, now I’m remembering them… well you should see the pink jumper I now sport on stage!)

Dear Clara,

Mi hermana me dijo que las mujeres son muy faciles para agradar – el hombre sólo teine que saber como leer mentes. En ese aspecto me hace falta (y probablemente en muchos otros tambien, no me digas!), y por eso yo no se lo que hice que fue tan grave para merecer la espalda.Parami vivir aca es vivir enel centrode un campo de minas culturales. Hasta las formas de ser educado son diferentes, y todo tiene significado que a vezes me tarda en enterar. Yo no creo que mis pantalones de color durazno fueron lo que te ofendio. Despues de mucho pensamiento me di cuenta de que el fallo probablemente fue salir a bailar el sabado 5.Parami, entenderlo me tardo muchisimo, que una cosa tan inocentecomobailar podia tener tanto significado, pero si de verdad eso fue lo que hice de mal, por favor disculpame. Bailar no me vale la pena perder la amistad que teniamos. Si era algo diferente, soy todo oido porque no puedo ver por el humo.

Yo quiero entender, pero estoy en un lugar donde tengo que pisar muy cuidadosamente.Comoen todas las historias hay una chica linda, hay unchicoque le gusta la chica y hay un problema de comunicacion.

Te dejan sentiendose mareada

Ah, fun, fun!