Tag Archives: funny

The Story of My Online Dating Profile

I admit it. I do online dating. Then again, who doesn’t these days.

I recently got fed up with the whole blandness of the thing and decided to give my profile a bit of texture, a bit of fun. Unfortunately, many people read these things at face value – which I find even funnier. Although as such, while I was hoping for feisty girls, I have also attracted one or two nutters…

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Harris’s List; a review of a prostitute

This charming book, freely available for free download from Google Books, is a review prostitutes of London in the late 18th century. I’m currently reading the 1789 edition, full title:

Harris’s List of Covent-Garden Ladies:
or
Man of Pleasure’s Kalendar for the Year 1789
containing
The Histories and some curious Anecdotes of the most celebrated Ladies now on the Town, or in Keeping, and also many of their Keepers.

Every review starts with the name and address. Normally they have blanked out a letter from the name, but never so much so that you couldn’t work out what the name actually is! After that, there is a poem dedicated to the girl, often detailing specifics about her, and finally followed by the review.

It is quite amazing the variety in the reviews, and the reviewers certainly had a way with words. The below is one that particularly made me laugh. (I have kept the italics of the original but changed the ‘f’s to ‘s’s for readability)

Miss Grant, No 4, Bolton Street, Piccadilly.

The luscious, curling nut-brown hair,
  Which stands on belly high,
Does like a sumptuous arch appear,
  And grows from thigh to thigh.

For one pound one our charming girl distributes her world of beauties; she is quite the nut-brown lass, now just at luscious nineteen, and has only been traversing the public forest of love twelve months, ever depending on the bounty of the public for support; and although she cannot be ranked in the first class of beauties (when her temper is in a composed state) she is quite the agreeable pretty girl, and condescendingly good natured.

The general ravager of beauty has left rather too many dells; but her eyes, which are of a love-piercing darkness, and beam with a most languishing kindness make amends, in bed she is most eagerly wanton, and will scarce suffer the necessary inviting preludes to take place; but she in general takes care to have the one thing needful properly prepared, and then if you are not expeditious in your mounting, St George must follow. Nor has she the least desire to suspend the liquid treasure, but eager for bliss, drives forward, till nature herself gives a close to the scene.

She wishes to receive three convincing proves of your manhood before sleep, and will use every love-inviting means to procure it, the soft hand, the nimble wrist, the pouting lip, the darting tongue, and the luscious squeeze, are at once employed as incentives to renew the sport.

Having read a few of these, one pound is quite expensive compared to many others. Using the retail price index, it was only about £100 in today’s money, but as a wage, it was about £1400 in today’s cash, so not a bad earner.

The general ravager of beauty most often seems to have been smallpox, and many of the girls are described as being heavily marked by it.

The suspense of liquid pleasure is an interesting line as, according to the other reviews I’ve read, it seems than most ladies of the trade demanded that a man pull out, and a girl who allowed a man to stay in was actually quite rare. So, if you ever wondered how they avoided getting pregnant, it seems likely this was a major weapon in their arsenal.

These reviews are generally of a better class of prostitute, and many are terrible stories of girls who were taken advantage of and then tossed aside with no other option than to take to prostitution. However, there are also many many stories of girls who seem to enjoy it, as the above. Although Miss Grant herself was not a kept woman, many of them were, and received lodgings and an allowance. There’s a very funny account of one girl kept thus, who has to get past a the watchful eye of her master’s footboy in order to “satisfy the ravages of her confinement”.

Of course, you then have the highest class of courtesan. If you are interested, download (again for free) the memoires of Harriette Wilson, mistress to the great and the good and to whom, when she asked him for a few quid to have his name left out, the Duke of Wellington said “publish and be damned”.

Wonderfully written, is no wonder he was embarrassed by what they revealed about him. Ah, maybe he should have just given her the cash she asked for!

Jokes from a New Scientist Article 9 Feb 2013

Sucking carbon dioxide out of the atmosphere might curb global warming. And polarpigs might fly.
One controversial way proposed for sucking up this CO2 is the fertilising of the world’s oceans with iron. Another more practical solution would be to fertilise the oceans with members of the US Republican Party.

Some geoengineers claim releasing iron into the sea will stimulate plankton blooms, which absorb carbon and put off German tourists. They put off other tourists too, but it’s the German ones we’re worried about. With their towels and bratwurst. Awful for the environment.

New research has revealed that soot from oil-burning ships is dumping 1000 tonnes of soluble iron per year into the north Pacific.
Soot is the ship equivalent of poo, and iron is the ship equivalent of a night on the Guinnesses.

This uncontrolled experiment could have unforseen consequences. For instance, I once had a night on the Guinnesses and woke up with a traffic cone on my head.

Experiments suggest that fertilising the ocean with iron changes the population of algae. You get new, immigrant algae, coming her taking our algae’s jobs. Grr.

This algal change causes a shift from fish-dominated to jellyfish-dominated ecosystems. Which explains why, since having an iron lady prime minister, Britain has suffered under a generation of politicians with no backbones.

New Scientist Article: Ships Soot Soils the Seas (they have a different title but I prefer mine!)

Writing 1 with Joe Janes, Homework for Thursday

This is the homework for Thursday. In class people would read it out, so we got to see how these dialogues played, and that was great fun. What I discovered was that my dialogues really did sound like two people talking, a skill I didn’t realise I posessed.

This played out as quite comedy, I was pleased with. I clearly need to practice too, but decidedly a start with which I am happy! See what you think.

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Doing funny radio. In Stoke. On Trent

Yesterday I drove all the way to Stoke. The one that is “-on-Trent”, rather than the one that is “Newington”, which would have been much closer and probably not worth writing about. I am normally quite a late riser, 7.30am being an accepatble time, 9.30am often better, but we had to be in the north by 10am, so 5am it was. It’s as if my schedule doesn’t respect my body’s desire to sleep.
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