Scientists at Duke University in Durham, North Carolina recently hooked up a rat’s brain to an infrared detector. They would have used one of their students, but couldn’t find one intelligent enough.
The first animal to be given a sixth sense, his catch phrase is “I eat dead people…”
Unlike the control subject (a human with IR goggles), the rat didn’t once look at the female research assistant’s chest.
Sucking carbon dioxide out of the atmosphere might curb global warming. And polarpigs might fly.
One controversial way proposed for sucking up this CO2 is the fertilising of the world’s oceans with iron. Another more practical solution would be to fertilise the oceans with members of the US Republican Party.
Some geoengineers claim releasing iron into the sea will stimulate plankton blooms, which absorb carbon and put off German tourists. They put off other tourists too, but it’s the German ones we’re worried about. With their towels and bratwurst. Awful for the environment.
New research has revealed that soot from oil-burning ships is dumping 1000 tonnes of soluble iron per year into the north Pacific.
Soot is the ship equivalent of poo, and iron is the ship equivalent of a night on the Guinnesses.
This uncontrolled experiment could have unforseen consequences. For instance, I once had a night on the Guinnesses and woke up with a traffic cone on my head.
Experiments suggest that fertilising the ocean with iron changes the population of algae. You get new, immigrant algae, coming her taking our algae’s jobs. Grr.
This algal change causes a shift from fish-dominated to jellyfish-dominated ecosystems. Which explains why, since having an iron lady prime minister, Britain has suffered under a generation of politicians with no backbones.
New Scientist Article: Ships Soot Soils the Seas (they have a different title but I prefer mine!)
Jokes based off this morning’s headlines, 5 November
Today Ed Miliband will unveil plans to deliver a “living wage” of at least £7.20 per hour for millions of people, if Labour wins the next election (although the best paying job for someone with no qualifications whatsoever is still that of politician).
Continue reading Practice jokes 17
Practice jokes from an article at Yorkshire Coast Radio on 17th October 2012.
A blind man in Chorley was tazered after a policeman mistook his white stick for a sword.
Lancashire Constabulary have denied that it was the same officer who last week shot a guide dog fearing it was a dragon.
Mr Farmer, a 61 year old double stroke victim who walks at a “snail’s pace”, collapsed to the floor and was put in handcuffs.
Or as the police report put it, “Mr Farmer is a fit youth who tried to flee the scene before resisting arrest”.
Continue reading Practice Jokes 15
A teenager in Lancaster has had to have her stomach removed after drinking a cocktail containing liquid nitrogen. Other bars in the town have since stopped serving the drink in a move described by the Daily Mail as “health and safety gone mad”
Continue reading Practice Jokes 14
For this task, we have to write a topical sketch for the start of SNL that happens immediately prior to the credits. The task is to come up with something that is topical and or political, and the most topical thing right now is of course the presidential election process currently underway.
Here in the US there is a popular cookery program called Chopped, where contestant chefs battle out to produce the best dish for the judges, each one getting “chopped” until there is a winner. I chose this to parody the election, I hope you enjoy.
Continue reading Writing 2, Saturday Night Live, Cold Opening Sketch
Practice Jokes from the New York Times October 4, 2012
Last night, Mitt Romney reopened the race for the White House by wrong footing President Obama. Because, like a true American, Obama never expected his enemy to be prepared…
During the debate, Romney styled himself as a moderate. Quite a feat for someone for whom even underpants hold religious symbolism.
Continue reading Practice Jokes 12